HOW DID YOUR GRANDMA DIE?

She was marlin fishing off Quepos. She hooked one but it speared her. We never saw her or the fish again.

REALITY

I am going to get on a reality tv show so I can make friends.

YOU'RE A PAWN

And so am I.

LOVE

Sam Pony: "How do you like your new sink Mom?"
Sam Pony's Mom: "I love it!"
Sam Pony: "Then why don't you marry it?"
Sam Pony's Mom: "Because I can get everything I want from it without the commitment."

Ladies take note.

NOTICEABLE

Oh noticeable stain, why do you remain unnoticed until I am out and about?

CHANGE

They say you can't change a person. I always thought there was one exception, at the beginning of a relationship. My boyfriend smoked when we first started dating. I told him that I will not date a smoker. He stopped.

However two years after living together I found chew in our sink. I asked him if he chewed. He said no. I told him we better call the police because someone broke into our house to spit chew in our sink. He screamed, "I'm addicted!"

BIRTHDAY

I saw someone's bare bottom today. I didn't recognize it but it turned out it was my 30 year old ass.

LIFE

Life is based on luck. Those that disagree are lucky.

TACOS

I love tacos. If for some strange reason I was able to choose one food to eat for the rest of my life it would be tacos. I guess in this scenario I would be on death row with my execution the next day. Too bad.

REASONS I RIDE A BIKE

1. I am too impatient to wait for three buses to show up at once

2. I am too cheap and unwilling to get over my hatred of cabs

3. I believe the likelihood of being raped while on a bike is much lower than while walking. However, I am pretty sure the likelihood of being hit by a car is greatly increased. (Note to self: conduct extensive research study to determine which option is statistically better. Another note to self: making choices based on statistics is difficult when statistics have to be gathered by me, it might be time to gather statistics if living by statistics is the best choice)

DEEP THOUGHTS BY SAM PONY

1. The Ocean
2. Outer Space
3. Inner Space
4. Nothing

BOOBS

Boobs seem to be the main contribution of women in today's society. Boobs also seem to be the main contribution of conservative talk radio.

THERE IS MORE THAN ONE WAY TO SKIN A CAT?

1. Skin a cat
2. Defur a cat
3. That's all I got

WORD RANKING

Awkward is my favorite word. It is also my favorite situation. I find myself in many awkward situation mainly because I am awkward.

Lollygag and neer-do-well are number two and three.

Number four has been award to rabble-rouser.

BEER

Beer makes everything better. Hmmm, I should drink a beer while I type. There that's better. I know, you think it's a sign of alcoholism, but I totally disagree and so does my beer.

LIFE PLAN

I am a girl, so my life plan is:

1. Gymnast/Ice Skater
2. Holding up a sign while wearing a bikini to educate an audience on the round they will be witnessing shortly.
3. News Anchor
4. Real Housewife
5. Mother
6. Secretary of State

RESTLESS

Sleep. Eat. Drive. Work. Eat. Work. Drive. Workout. Eat. Shampoo. Condition. Repeat.

A SON

My Dad wanted a boy. He had three girls. He named them Jack, Sam and Al. None have given him a grandson. He is currently negotiating a fishing boat for a grandson with my boyfriend.

DEATH

We are all going to die. We spend all our time living, then death gets in the way.

EXPOSURE

I would like to know if my neighbors can see me walking around naked. The part of me that enjoys walking around naked says no, but the part of me that knows what a window is says yes.

REASONS I HAVE BEEN KICKED OUT OF BARS

1. I discovered a light switch that was unknown to the bar employees. The bar had blackouts all night. Well, until I got kicked out.

2. I put a lamp fixture in my pants to accentuate my dance moves. The bouncer was not impressed.

3. I tried to steal a 4' Bud Light inflated bass. It was something that I definitely needed, but my scheme was thwarted by a cunning bartender. It's to bad because I think my life would have turned out much better if I didn't have to release that bass. It would have been different than all the other stupid crap a stole from bars in college, that bass would have been special.

Job Description

I am a manager for a construction company. As you can probably guess I am the only female at most meetings. Why am I always asked to take notes? It turns out my gender comes with a job description.