DEATH

We have all heard this crazy idea that we are going to die, but most of us don't really know that we are going to die.  What death doesn't realize is how important we are in our life.  We are the main character dam it. 

We all deal with death in different ways.  Some of us eat right, excerise, work hard, basically do everything right as if this some how prevents a bus from hitting us tomorrow.  Some of us touch the door knob three times, count every footstep taken and never let our food touch to ensure everything will be just fine.  Some of us believe in religion which means death won't be a death but a rebirth.  Hooray!  I believe in the bus.

A PUSH

With a push, you can go much higher on a swing.
With a push, you can move furniture much easier.
With a push, you can achieve your wildest dreams.
With a push, you can fall off a cliff.

HOBBIES

If I quit drinking I wouldn't have any hobbies. You know what that is not true. If I quit drinking my new hobby would be pregnancy.

THOUGHTS IN THE SHOWER

I wonder how many people have actually been stabbed while taking a shower. During every shower I take I think about how it would be really easy to be stabbed. I probably think about being stabbed in the shower more times then it actually happens in a year, which seems like a big waste of shower thoughts.

100 MILLION YEARS

I hope 100 millions years from now decedents of cockroaches excavate our remains with wonderment. I hope they will create a science fiction thriller based on a novel about bringing these enormous creatures back to life. I also hope some sort of crazy birds will evolve from us. I can't wait.

THE DIFFERENCE

The difference between life and death? I don't know yet.

MAINTAIN

Is it possible to maintain a relationship while only talking during the commercials? Oh, can you hold that thought until the next commercial break? Thanks.

DRAG

Men dressed in drag equals hilarity. Every male host of SNL dons a dress at some point and oh is it hilarious. Female drag is just awkward and may get you burned at the stake.



Exhibit A





















God as played by George Burns as interpreted by Sam Pony

LAST NAMES I WISH I HAD

1. Sam Coon
2. Sam McGillicutty
3. Sam Horse
4. Sam Smith