Saturday, December 19, 2009


David Foster Wallace - "A Democratic Spirit is one that combines rigor and humility, i.e. passionate conviction plus a sedulous respect for the convictions of others." 

Can we all agree that having cancer should not be a reason for a person to fill for bankruptcy?  Our healthcare system is broken.  I have certain insurance because I have a certain job.  If I come down with a certain disease I can cerntainly not get insuranced if I leave my certain job.  Certainly this is bullshit.

No Republican voted for the healthcare bill.  Republicans did not offer a viable alternative to the democratic bill.   Their vote seems to hope for failure of the democratic bill, so they can get elected.  Where is the "Democratic Spirit?" 

Dem.  Sen. Nelson your conviction that you do not want the government to pay for aboration sounds legit until you also get additional money for your state out of the deal.  Are you against the government paying for an abortion or do you really want additional money for your state because you want to get re-elected.  You are a fuck too.  Did you fight to oppose the government paying for viagra?  Fuck you.

Our government is supposed to be our government.  Yes you are red and I am blue, but we all Americans.  There needs to be more Purple.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Great Recession 4th of July

Dear Chicago,

As we are all aware the city is having some cash issues.  While selling off our public assets may raise funds it also raises eyebrows, as it should.  We propose to have the greatest 4th of July show ever, while saving the city tons of cash.  Let the masses of gases bonded by gravity be taken in by our eyes during their journey of billions of years be the show.  Only our brave Mayor Daley can pull it off, unplug the entire Midwest.  Let the stars shine and the Midwest blackout.  Let's not Rio De Janeiro out do us again.

People Against Light Pollution

Tuesday, December 1, 2009


Good news!  The League of Wealthy Christians built a needle large enough to fit a camel.

"It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God" - Mark 10:25

Monday, November 30, 2009


We have all heard this crazy idea that we are going to die, but most of us don't really know that we are going to die.  What death doesn't realize is how important we are in our life.  We are the main character dam it. 

We all deal with death in different ways.  Some of us eat right, excerise, work hard, basically do everything right as if this some how prevents a bus from hitting us tomorrow.  Some of us touch the door knob three times, count every footstep taken and never let our food touch to ensure everything will be just fine.  Some of us believe in religion which means death won't be a death but a rebirth.  Hooray!  I believe in the bus.

Friday, November 27, 2009


With a push, you can go much higher on a swing.
With a push, you can move furniture much easier.
With a push, you can achieve your wildest dreams.
With a push, you can fall off a cliff.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


If I quit drinking I wouldn't have any hobbies. You know what that is not true. If I quit drinking my new hobby would be pregnancy.

Monday, November 16, 2009


I wonder how many people have actually been stabbed while taking a shower. During every shower I take I think about how it would be really easy to be stabbed. I probably think about being stabbed in the shower more times then it actually happens in a year, which seems like a big waste of shower thoughts.

Sunday, November 15, 2009


I hope 100 millions years from now decedents of cockroaches excavate our remains with wonderment. I hope they will create a science fiction thriller based on a novel about bringing these enormous creatures back to life. I also hope some sort of crazy birds will evolve from us. I can't wait.


The difference between life and death? I don't know yet.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Is it possible to maintain a relationship while only talking during the commercials? Oh, can you hold that thought until the next commercial break? Thanks.

Monday, November 9, 2009


Men dressed in drag equals hilarity. Every male host of SNL dons a dress at some point and oh is it hilarious. Female drag is just awkward and may get you burned at the stake.

Exhibit A

God as played by George Burns as interpreted by Sam Pony

Thursday, November 5, 2009


1. Sam Coon
2. Sam McGillicutty
3. Sam Horse
4. Sam Smith

Friday, October 30, 2009


She was marlin fishing off Quepos. She hooked one but it speared her. We never saw her or the fish again.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


I am going to get on a reality tv show so I can make friends.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


And so am I.

Monday, October 26, 2009


Sam Pony: "How do you like your new sink Mom?"
Sam Pony's Mom: "I love it!"
Sam Pony: "Then why don't you marry it?"
Sam Pony's Mom: "Because I can get everything I want from it without the commitment."

Ladies take note.

Saturday, October 24, 2009


Oh noticeable stain, why do you remain unnoticed until I am out and about?

Friday, October 23, 2009


They say you can't change a person. I always thought there was one exception, at the beginning of a relationship. My boyfriend smoked when we first started dating. I told him that I will not date a smoker. He stopped.

However two years after living together I found chew in our sink. I asked him if he chewed. He said no. I told him we better call the police because someone broke into our house to spit chew in our sink. He screamed, "I'm addicted!"

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I saw someone's bare bottom today. I didn't recognize it but it turned out it was my 30 year old ass.

Sunday, October 18, 2009


Life is based on luck. Those that disagree are lucky.

Friday, October 16, 2009


I love tacos. If for some strange reason I was able to choose one food to eat for the rest of my life it would be tacos. I guess in this scenario I would be on death row with my execution the next day. Too bad.

Thursday, October 15, 2009


1. I am too impatient to wait for three buses to show up at once

2. I am too cheap and unwilling to get over my hatred of cabs

3. I believe the likelihood of being raped while on a bike is much lower than while walking. However, I am pretty sure the likelihood of being hit by a car is greatly increased. (Note to self: conduct extensive research study to determine which option is statistically better. Another note to self: making choices based on statistics is difficult when statistics have to be gathered by me, it might be time to gather statistics if living by statistics is the best choice)


1. The Ocean
2. Outer Space
3. Inner Space
4. Nothing

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Boobs seem to be the main contribution of women in today's society. Boobs also seem to be the main contribution of conservative talk radio.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


1. Skin a cat
2. Defur a cat
3. That's all I got

Friday, October 9, 2009


Awkward is my favorite word. It is also my favorite situation. I find myself in many awkward situation mainly because I am awkward.

Lollygag and neer-do-well are number two and three.

Number four has been award to rabble-rouser.

Thursday, October 8, 2009


Beer makes everything better. Hmmm, I should drink a beer while I type. There that's better. I know, you think it's a sign of alcoholism, but I totally disagree and so does my beer.


I am a girl, so my life plan is:

1. Gymnast/Ice Skater
2. Holding up a sign while wearing a bikini to educate an audience on the round they will be witnessing shortly.
3. News Anchor
4. Real Housewife
5. Mother
6. Secretary of State

Wednesday, October 7, 2009


Sleep. Eat. Drive. Work. Eat. Work. Drive. Workout. Eat. Shampoo. Condition. Repeat.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


My Dad wanted a boy. He had three girls. He named them Jack, Sam and Al. None have given him a grandson. He is currently negotiating a fishing boat for a grandson with my boyfriend.

Monday, October 5, 2009


We are all going to die. We spend all our time living, then death gets in the way.

Sunday, October 4, 2009


I would like to know if my neighbors can see me walking around naked. The part of me that enjoys walking around naked says no, but the part of me that knows what a window is says yes.

Saturday, October 3, 2009


1. I discovered a light switch that was unknown to the bar employees. The bar had blackouts all night. Well, until I got kicked out.

2. I put a lamp fixture in my pants to accentuate my dance moves. The bouncer was not impressed.

3. I tried to steal a 4' Bud Light inflated bass. It was something that I definitely needed, but my scheme was thwarted by a cunning bartender. It's to bad because I think my life would have turned out much better if I didn't have to release that bass. It would have been different than all the other stupid crap a stole from bars in college, that bass would have been special.

Job Description

I am a manager for a construction company. As you can probably guess I am the only female at most meetings. Why am I always asked to take notes? It turns out my gender comes with a job description.

Thursday, January 8, 2009